I am not going to class tonight. I need to because it will be the review for the third quiz. Oh well.
The killer headache and even more killer chest pain that feels like terrible heartburn is keeping me home. Staying prone is the only thing that helps.
I will just have to fuck up a quiz, at least the oral part. I am not sweating the written section too much, although I know he will be going over it tonight as review like he usually does, and if I was there I would then know the answers. I will just have to wing it and fail it. I am to the point of not caring. The pain rules my life.
Now I am going to get on my cushions and watch rat play FF1 until I pass out. The little magic users look like they are rubbing their noses when they are chanting spells. It's cute.
Thanksgiving went well, as it usually does. The turkey roll heated up nicely. We had long grain and wild rice and I had wonderful mushroom gravy with mine. rat ate his rolls and we took out half of the turkey in one go. We were hungry cats.
On Friday, it was so tempting to go eat on the leftovers but I waited all day, just nibbling on junk food and sleeping, waiting for rat to get home from work. As soon as he hit the door I was on him like a starving cat, meowing for dinner. I started heating up leftovers immediately while he sliced up the rest of the meat and we downed the last of the food quickly. Not having the other side-dishes around to fill up the boy caused us to go through this year's feast in a blink of an eye.
Matrix stuff
Well, we watched the second and third movies this weekend. They were interesting. The last bit reminded me of the Arthurian legend of Avalon - 'sleeping until needed again' kind of thing.
I would like to know more about the Oracle.
Gravi manga 9
I got Gravitation manga #9 in the mail Sat. *blink* I think I am going to have to deny some of the canon I see in this particular manga. I just have a lot of trouble with flying panda planes. Eiri is also a bit out of character in my opinion. I am going to have to read over it a few more times and try to find some perspective on it. Maybe Eiri just has a wild hair up his ass at this point in his life. He definitely is not the boy we are used to seeing, that's for sure.
more books
I really do adore my new Wolf's Rain artbook. I love the Art Nouveau influence in some of the graphics. I love seeing how the characters were developed. I am itching to draw wolves again.
I got a Full Metal Alchemist book in the mail Friday. It's times like these I know the time and effort and blood and pain I go through learning Japanese is worth it - when I can read the katakana on the cover and know what it means. It says "pâfekutoguidobukku", which means "Perfect Guide Book". I got the book so I would have some reference to characters, both for the anime/manga and for me if I ever decide to draw someone. I am already finding all the different eye shapes interesting.
I do adore the one-shot manga, "Only the Ring Finger Knows". I wish the stories about these boys would be translated because I want to know what happens next!
phone calls
My mother called Sat. and my chest blew out within minutes. She kept me on the phone for an hour with her yammering. Back to the regularly-scheduled pain.
Then my best friend I had not talked to (even in email) in months called about going to pick out their Xmas tree on Sunday like we did last year. Just could not do it, which upsets me because it is a fun time. We had such a blast last year hunting down the 'perfect' tree at that farm and afterward, decorating it. She did not know about my illness and is really concerned about me. She heard my voice deteriorating and said she would ring off because she loves me and did not want to hurt me.
My mother said she loves me (she said it over the phone and I winced-I hate it when she says that) but she kept me on the phone even though I said I should not be talking. Then she said she did not want me hurt and I told her it was too late(!), because just talking a few minutes causes a week's worth of damage to try and get over. Didn't stop her from continuing the conversation. She kept badgering me about going out to eat Sunday and we kept going around and around about how I was not in a social mood because of the pain and I REALLY needed to try and SOME studying in, if my brain deemed it possible. I was having a difficult enough time thinking as it was during the conversation.
The plan to go out to eat Sunday was to rendezvous with some mutual friends, R and family, and do the DedLobster all-you-can-eat shrimp thing for R and rat. Mom called rat later Sat night and made the plans, but then I found out R and family would not be able to attend, the whole point of everyone getting together. My mother was still trying to get us out even though she knew I felt like crap and needed to try to bang Japanese into my head. I told rat to call her back directly and cancel, which he did. I know my mother's subtle manipulations and I refuse to put up with them anymore. I haven't done so for years. She should know better, too, but she forgets I will deny access to my presence (phone calls or in-person) if she pulls these kinds of things much.
health update
On Saturday and Sunday mornings I took a half-pill in morning only. Nothing at night except aspirin for the pain.
I am thinking a little more clearly now but I still dealing with a severe lack of sleep. I understand it will take a few weeks to get the chemicals completely out of my system, which means I will finally have my brain back about three weeks after the semester is over. I went to bed Saturday at 10pm and Sunday at 9pm and passed out almost immediately both times. Of course, I woke up at odd hours the following mornings but at least I am now sleeping more than two hours a night. I think I got about six to eight hours each night, two days in a row, hurray!
It feels like I have constant heartburn on top of the pain now. Swallowing my daily pills kills me, feeling them go down my throat and sticking right where the pain is.
Sunday I also got what can only be explained as a withdrawal headache. It sat right in the middle of my forehead, pounding away at my brain. Occasionally I would get hit with dizzy spells, even when I was just sitting in a chair or lying in front of the TV, watching rat play FF1.
It's now early Monday morning. I cannot sleep and I still have the headache sitting in the middle of my forehead. I am going to have to email the office and let them know I am not going to make it because of this withdrawal headache. And today I am not going to take even a fourth of a pill so this will be the first day without chemicals. I suspect a joyride will take place in my body. I just hope I will be fit enough to go to Japanese class tonight. rat may have to drive me.
Still cannot study. Lying down is the only relief for the chest pain. While sitting up, sometimes I hold my super-soft chenile-covered Eeyore hard against my chest and it helps.
I made a comment about being in pain every day (mainichi mainichi) and rat looked at me funny. He said he really had not realized I lived with physical pain daily, even on good days.
12 weeks of sickness - why do I still count the weeks even though I am going off the med? Because I still have chest pain, folks. I am not healed but it looks like I am going to have to deal with the rest of the healing process the old-fashioned way - time and more time.
~~~
Just a reminder: I will away from this computer again this weekend so I can try and study/prep for tests, presentations and finals. I will be checking email in the morning and evening.
~~~
I got a gorgeous Wolf's Rain artbook in the mail! What I especially like about it are the character development pages, where it shows changes the different charas went through before getting to their final anime looks. Some of the initial designs for Kiba and Tsume show a more feral look to them, which I kind of wish would have been kept, but it would have made them look more otherworldly and they would need to be able to blend in with the regular humans. It also has all the other character designs for the series, which is really cool. Some of those nobles have killer costumes and their otherworldliness is exotic.
And now I know how the names are supposed to be spelled. I got Darushira correct, yay for me!, but the interesting thing is Toboe is spelled "Toboe" in Romaji but "Tooboe" in katakana. That's right, it has an additional "o", which I find odd. So I have been spelling the name wrong in Japanese the entire time but nothing was indicative of that extra "o" anywhere.
Oh, the Japanese class actually happened last night, with the three oldest students being the ones showing up for class. It was a good one because it was really laid-back. It was more of a back and forth discussion about concepts and culture between us and sensei.
rat has started playing Final Fantasy I. That's right, he is starting at the very beginning. The interface is so jokey-looking. It is so hard to believe this was high-tech gaming at one time.
We have decided our lone Xmas gift to each other will be getting a PS2. It is interesting that only a week after making this decision the new slim version came out. I think we are going to get the new version.
rat brought home dvds for Thanksgiving viewing. We watched Matrix Reload while pigging out on juicy turkey, long grain and wild rice, wild field salad, mushroom gravy and rolls. The Sacre torte slice for me and the lemon tart for him are still in the fridge. We ate an oatmeal cookie each and called it quits for a while.
Everything was either re-heat or microwave cooked so cleanup to all of three minutes. It was the best Thanksgiving cleanup I have ever experienced.
Now rat is looking at some of the making-of features on the dvd. I drew three oekaki today, two of Gravi boys. Depending on how I feel, I will draw more tonight. Have to feed that oekaki addiction!
I am taking half-doses of the Prednisone twice a day now.
Tomorrow, rat has work as usual. I hope to sleep a lot, then try to study.
I keep forgetting I have to give a presentation on my paper in World Lit class next week. I suspect I will just walk in and wing it but I need to organize all the stuff I am going to take with me for the 'how to research' discussion I am expecting to occur when they see all my materials, like the Gravi artbooks, books on manga, dvds, sound story cds, etc.
I need to seriously sit down and get the Japanese stuff organized for study. Those flashcards have been neglected for far too long.
I am feeling REALLY sleepy so maybe I should try to see if I actually do fall asleep if I planted myself in front of the TV and let the FF1 silliness lull me to lala land.
The doc DOES want me to go off the med cold-turkey because of the side-effects.
I am going to half the daily doses this long weekend beginning tonight and then take a few more halfs just in the morning for a couple more days after that.
So I call the doctor for my weekly check-in and let him know about my moonface and how my period has not started - which is regulated by hormones so it should kick in no matter what. Also, I mentioned how I was not sleeping, as usual, BUT that I was starting to feel better.
I get a call back within five minutes saying to quit taking the Prednisone. I tell the caller the doctor had told me I was not to go off the med cold-turkey - that he had said I would have to be weaned off it. So she left the doc another message. Since they are off to lunch for the next two hours I will not know what to do until they get back and the doc gets the message.
I suspect the office is crazy, what with people coming in right before the holiday because they are sick.
I am once again falling asleep at my desk. I am SO fucked right now.
Slept for about 45 minutes (according to rat) on the floor after watching a few YYH eps. Woke up stupid so I knew Japanese was out of the question. Am debating on pulling some cards before getting ready for work this morning.
Found the new Gravitation #9 on eBay yesterday and bought it. Then had to cancel the order I placed a few week's ago for it at amazon.com. Sometimes you're too slow, amazon.com! But they are not as slow as the local Borders!
Went to bed around 3am and read alittle on my new yaoi manga I got yesterday, "Only the Ring Finger Knows" by Satoru Kannagi. I like the ring storyline, it makes it a little different than some kind of typical 'longing looks' story.
Last week I got and finished "Passion Volume 1" by Shinobu Gotoh & Shok Takaku. Interesting little teacher/student tale. The student is seme!
The week before I got and finished "Selfish Love: Book 1" by Naduki Koujima. Such a lark of a tale. The disgruntled future-uke really cracks me up.
What's the deal with these high school-themed yaoi stories?
Passion Volume 2 and Selfish Love: Book 2 are still pending orders.
"Golden Cain" is supposed to be here already so I am going to have to get rat to check the office.
rat will pick up the turkey and stuff tonight.
Umm, I will probably NOT post that Xmas list thingie going around right now. I suppose a few people may be disappointed about it, but I just cannot do something like that. I never expect anything out of life except what I provide for myself because I only set myself for disappointment otherwise. I am not wallowing in self-pity, folks. Some of you know my history and this has been going on for years and years. I just hope the gifts I have sent so far to my loved ones have been okay, even though they were not on folks' lists.
I kept not being able to concentrate at the office today. I did good just typing in the "Y" in the field I needed to fill. I kept getting distracted or just rolling my eyes into the back of my head or having my right eye droop and twitch on me. I kept trying to fall asleep, which was fucking annoying since I only slept two hours last night while tossing and turning the rest of the time.
I had to make a decision at the end of the day about going to the lab tonight. I knew if I went to the lab I would not assimilate a damned thing and while I should go and sit there for an hour and rack up my hours needed, I also knew if I sat there and listened to the tape and the information would not sink in, my frustration levels and blood pressure would quickly rise and I would be a crazed loon.
So, I came home. Of course, I don't feel so sleepy anymore, fuck it all.
I will eat, take drugs, watch some YYH and hope I fall asleep in front of it. Then I will get out the flashcard stuff and work up everything I need for this next quiz.
I mentally looked at my grades so far:
a 95 and 93 on the two oral quizzes
a 100 and 99 on the two written quizzes
a 100, 100 and 99 on the three katakana homework assignments
I should have about 10 hours in the Language Lab and I think I have somewhere between 6 and 8.
I am to the point of giving up the rest of the semester for this class, though I would regret not trying to pound the foundation into my head as much as possible in prep for next semester. It is just that right now my brain is refusing to function. It is completely non-porous; nothing is getting in when it comes to learning.
I will study as best I can for the third quizzes and then for the final oral/written exam but I do not have much hope. I will remain on the meds until after the semester is over so it is pretty much a bust in the brain department.
I now officially have that fucking Prednisone "moon face". I have lost my cheekbones and I have a round face that's disgusting. I cannot look at myself in the mirror. I am going to look horrible during the holidays. Luckily, my mother knows better than to point a camera at me even on good days or I will rip her a new one.
Have to go to the Language Lab tonight since it will not be open Thursday or Saturday this week because of the holiday.
I think I am going to have to put the thesis on the backburner until I can concentrate about three days straight on Japanese. Sensei has given us yet more new kanji and concepts, ugh. He has also given the class the option to NOT meet on Wednesday. I will be there anyway so I told sensei I would come by to chat if no other students show up. I could actually get some one-on-one teaching, but I suspect we will just chat about school. The information is still not going into my head, which is REALLY pissing the shit out of me. My ability to learn has been completely stunted because of my illness and the meds.
I did take the "New Nelson" for him to see and to show the class last night.
I think if I concentrate on Japanese only for the rest of the semester, after the Japanese final, which is supposed to be on finals Monday, I will then have Tuesday and Wednesday nights to work on the thesis polish. Maybe I can even take a day or two off to work on it. This is still up-in-the-air, though. It all depends on what gets done this week.
I will be semi-banning myself from the web again this coming long weekend. It worked well this past weekend, even though I slept more than anything else. And let Evan walk all over me oekaki-wise.
Thanksgiving will be our usual routine - me waking up when I want to and gauging when I will start the pre-cooked turkey roll. This is the ONLY day of the year I actually cook a meal. This is the tradition in our household, to spend Thanksgiving with each other, just the two of us, no stupid relatives to muck up the joy of being together. The routine is mostly a heat-up stuff kind of thing but I do make long grain and wild rice from the Uncle Ben's box. Why make it difficult to have a good meal?
This year we ordered just the turkey roll and the oral-orgasm mushroom gravy from La Madeline. We will not have as many taste/item options since we decided we did not have the funds to buy the au gratin potatos or fancy stuffing. And rat won't eat the fancy green beans and other veggies so it would have fallen on me to try and put all that food away, which I cannot do before it's time to throw the food away. rat says he will get me a wild field salad so I have greens and he will get a selection of deserts like a few cookies, a pecan tart for him and a slice of Sacre torte for me.
Last year we suffered through relatives because we just could not afford to do Thanksgiving on our own. We really hated that. I remember pulling out my Japanese flashcards a lot and studying to avoid all the crap. They left me alone because if they didn't, I would hand them the cards and make them run the cards for me. The idea of learning such a foreign language boggled the bubbas' minds.
In the deep dark past, we actually had "orphans by choice" Thanksgiving and Christmas non-parties so our friends would not have to suffer with their relatives for very long and had a place to run to, with friends and food and books. It also got the food eaten up. Back then I was actually cooking large birds with bones and all the traditional trimmings. People loved camping in front of the bookshelves with throw pillows and read my human sexuality and art books. The out-of-print "Gay Love Signs" was a very popular read. We also had people fall asleep all over the place, draped on furniture and the floor. The couch rat brought to our relationship is very seductive, super-large and is great to sleep on, when it is not covered with boxes of shit like it is now. Some of the floor cushions we use are from the other part of the sectional of that giant monster of a couch and I sit on one of them even today as my TV cushion. It boggles my mind now to think we actually entertained at one point in our lives. We have no room anymore to do anything like that.
I slept a LOT of Saturday, finally! Although it messed with my study plan, and I did not get up to go to the Language Lab, I thought my health was more important to do this so I would be able to function better in the long run. I even went to bed early Saturday night and slept more.
I still felt groggy Sunday so I slept a hell of a lot more, but I did not get as much as I did on Saturday. Oekaki called me.
I also got caught up with some of my SF reading. It was nice to read a little then roll over and nap for a while. Yes, even I have to get away from fanfic sometimes.
I was not able to sleep at all last night, however, I no longer have that fucking over-bearing groggy-stupid feeling that has been hanging over me for the past few weeks. This will be short work week so I will have to utilize the fact I will be off four days to get stuff done.
Mother Nature will be starting either today or tomorrow and the fact I have had decent sleep will help curb the severity of the headache that comes with it. The hormones help, too.
rat had to work Sunday so I had two days of no talking, lots of rest and sleep. My chest is feeling so much better because of it. It was SO tempting to call people this weekend but I knew I should not talk at all or I would blow my chest out again. I am hoping the office will be relatively quiet and I will not be called on to do much advising, phone calls or teaching. The big boss will be off all week so we have to get ourselves in a little early to open up the classrooms for everyone.
So all my study plans went completely down the drain. Craptop-ni sat next to the bed, taunting me while I looked at it from the pillow. No flashcards of the new kanji were made. The flashcards from the past were not pulled from the file box and put in my case to take and study at work.
The Kanji book the instructor wants us to have arrived. "The New Nelson" is what it is called by amazon.com and I confirmed which edition to get with sensei prior to purchasing it. The thing is a doorstop, folks. I am debating on taking it to class tonight, just to show it to him. It has a slipcase, weird.
The other thing I did this weekend was oekaki, because it seemed my creative urge is needing it badly. The LONG list of what and where it was done is over at the scratches and scribbles blog.
Friday at work I will be in hell all day - lots going down with Advisory Committee, scheduling Summer classes, setting up instructors to teach, etc. When I get home, I will have to keep away from the computer this weekend so I can study Japanese and work on the thesis. I will actually put myself in another room without any computer with internet connection. Painful, but it has to be done. Craptop-ni has Word and a dvd player and that's it.
I will not be ignoring people on purpose. Only two weeks remain of the semester, including the Thanksgiving holiday week, and I must get the work completed asap, working around my extreme sleep deprivation. Yes, I am hoping for sleep, if I am really lucky.
I will check my email in the morning and late at night since I will probably be talking back and forth to instructors and such. If you send me an email this weekend, please do not expect an immediate response.
If something utterly dire comes up, a few of you know the phone numbers.
Have a good weekend and be kind to one another. I love you.
One of LJ girls tried to commit suicide Sunday night. I was the first to see the lj entry. I got on the phone and called Talon in MI. She started hunting down someone who might know where she lived in FL while sending me to find a friend in Canada to get the phone number through AIM. I will never think of AIM the same way again because her friend was on, I got the number, passed it on to Talon, who had talked to another of her friends so Talon could locate the town and the police dept. I was elected to call Cyn and keep her awake so Talon could notify the police. I was able to keep Cyn from falling asleep while rat kept in touch with Talon. The police finally arrived, questioned her about taking drugs and the call ended. Talon had the police call her back and they let her know they took her to the hospital. Then Talon had to talk ME off the wall because I was freaking out.
So now we are waiting around to see what's going on. I do not dare call again because I am ready to tongue-lash the family to the nine-levels of hell. They are the most emotionally abusive pieces of shit I have ever encountered.
Her friend, mirai_may, has an update on cyn here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/mirai_may/126195.html?view=336883#t336883
I truly am ready to call the Japanese mafia...
Lost a 3/4ths-done oekaki tonight because AIM decided it wanted THAT browser window and I did not notice until after it was gone forever. So I am in the process of redrawing it. When it is done I will post something at the crap blog. If I did not have this tiny little creative outlet right now I know I would be completely fucked over in my sanity.
My lack of sleep is fucking with me terribly now. I am going to completely crater soon and have already done so to a degree, because I am not doing anything like reading fanfic, doing homework, finishing up the thesis or studying Japanese. So, sorry now to those posting writing, art and life stuff. I am not ignoring you - I just cannot function well right now. The combination of the chemicals I am having to take at the moment do a myriad of things to me. Things like - I never know when I may suddenly not be able to see because of instant blurriness.
And now that I am back to square one in the pain department, it will be another two weeks at least before I get back to that little hold of recovery I had Sunday evening, before life spun me around and took me places I had never been before. The incident has turned me into a babbling fool and I cannot stop talking about everything and anything. It is probably part of the personality change they said I might get because of the meds. Of course, talking all the time causes all sorts of vibration in the chest cavity, which fucks with my chest. Sometimes I talk until I am hoarse, and I keep talking anyway, fucking up my vocal chords along with my chest. Aja noticed I was typing like a fiend tonight. If I cannot talk, I type and type, which eventually brings my carpel tunnel into play.
My body was feeling that achy tired feeling from lack of sleep. At 4pm today I crawled back into bed. rat followed closely behind and we both passed out until 7:30pm.
Had a VERY vivid dream about sitting in the Japanese class, sensei explaining a project he wanted everyone to do using Authorware and me finally having to speak up to tell him the students did not have access to the software anywhere on campus because our dept. did not support it anymore. When I have vivid dreams, it means I am getting quality sleep, so while my body is still the long-term effects of sleep deprivation, I am feeling a little better in the short-term. I am going to ask the doc for one more full week on this because I am still having aches in the chest and twinges in the low lungs.
We had planned on going out for a real meal today but it did not happen. Luckily, rat had brought home a mandrin chicken salad a few days ago so it was still in the fridge, ice cold and ready to eat.
Time to see if anything has happened to my friends out here today.
I am alive, people, but right now I am having to get the rest of the semester organized tightly. My illness is cutting into study and work time. If I am just a glimmer around here for a while you now know why. I am feeling a lot of stress.
Japanese class and mini-con
I have not been getting my required weekly Japanese lab in like I should. I have not been studying my Japanese at all, except for katakana translation homework. I cannot afford not knowing this but I am not functioning well to retain it. I HAVE to go to the lab this weekend, come hill or high water. My reward will be to go to Itzacon, which will be right down the street from the school.
http://phoenix-entertainment.net/itzacon/
It's a mini-con so I do not expect much to be happening. Depending on what's going on, I may take craptop-ni and work on my thesis polish there.
World Lit class
I went to the World Lit class last night for a guest lecture. I have decided to stick out the class. The instructor even talked to the class about how she had twist my arm to keep me. The class all seems to think I know everything. I rolled my eyes and laughed. I really don't know that much, but maybe it has to do with the fact I think about the anime, not just watch the anime. I feel like wearing a shirt - I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no anime!"
The class was a great discussion/analysis on "Haibane Renmei". We ended up breaking into groups with people with common interests and doing an analysis on our own. It ended up my group consisted of my teacher, her son (in junior high), the 12-year-old (going on 30) friend of the lecturer and myself because our common demoninator was being otaku who want to know more about about motivations and the storyline. What made it especially interesting was our age demographic - the teacher and I are the oldest people in the class and the kids were younger than 16 - yet the four of us like to deconstruct and analyze anime and can talk intelligently about these deeper issues.
final project
The final project has been changed - thankfully - to a five/ten minute presentation about the thesis/research paper we have been working on all semester. We are to talk about why we picked the topic, what sources did we use, what the thesis statement was, etc. One of my team members immediately spoke up and said I had to go last, which made the class laugh, then agree! I finally had to defend myself and tell them I the only advantage I had was because I had been researching the anime for two years. Yes, I see the board discussions, the Muse Meet, emails with friends, betareading, etc. all research for a paper because information is being passed back and forth and opinions are being formed.
final research paper
I got some conflicting info in an email from the instructor yesterday and I did not get a chance to ask her about it last night. She told me she was going to email me but I have emailed her for clarification. So now I am waiting to see if I am going to have to actually add the rest of the research materials in, which have not been looked at since I turned in the thesis. I hope not. I hope the paper is wrapped up (except some tiny booboos)
Susan Napier's lecture
About Susan Napier's lecture at UTD: I took some notes and enjoyed the talk, in spite of the fact I was running on steroids and no sleep that day. The little round-robin at the beginning was nice, as Susan asked us about how we got into anime, what do we do at conventions, etc. I know the answers she gets from around the country are so varied and some even surprise her.
She wants to talk to me more about yaoi, fanfic and other stuff so we exchanged cards. She had heard of Gravitation from the 'romantic' aspect - it has been called one of the all-time anime romance stories - and when she found out the writing/artwork community I started had the best of the best of the Gravi fanfic writers (yes, I bragged on you folks!) she was interested in talking about it more. She is interested in my thesis so I need to get that polished up and beta-read by my betareaders so I can send it.
something new arises
After talking to Susan, it has made me think more about my own perspectives and it is causing me to consider writing some of it down, in a casual manner, and maybe posting them on my website.
I mean, I know the pat answer to why do I like yaoi is "It's hot!" but that is really not the true reason. I find the cultural aspects of how it developed in Japan for Japanese women fascinating and how the vast majority of mangaka in the field are women. Where it began and where it is now and how Western fans have embraced it and taken it to other levels is interesting to me. I talk with peopl all around the world who find it fascinating.
I have to confess now, I am really enjoying meeting and talking to folks like Susan, my instructor and others in the academic field about anime and hearing about others' opinions and observations. They look at it like I look at it, as more than just what is being presented. I feel like I have found some folks I can really relate to. I definitely do NOT want to lose contact with this stimulating facet of anime. It's one of the main reasons why I go to cons - to go to panels - and listen to the academia and analysis side. (I also go for the artistic side, of course.) I keep thinking part of it is an age factor - in general, the younger folk do a lot of watching and think it's cool (my observations from the anime club), while we watch it from a different perspective. Mine is more about visual storytelling and character analysis.
-looking at the various non-verbal clues about characters because of their looks
-the artistic style used for characters, backgrounds, etc.
-colour palettes for characters and environments
-which type of character style was used to convey something or was the design actually the opposite of what the shorthand usually indicates to throw off the viewer
And sure, I can add some literary elements but I am not an English/Literature major so my knowledge base is quite limited.
why do we like yaoi?
After the semester is done I plan on compiling a set of informal questions for you folks, concerning yaoi/shonen-ai and what you find intriguing about it, in preparation for dialogue with Susan about the genre. I am interested about these answers myself. A lot of you do analyze anime for character development as an aid to writing your stories. So, start thinking about it to get the juices flowing (no pun intended). I am going to do the same so we can share this with each other.
yeah, right, me writing a book...
FYI: One of my staff members told me yesterday morning he could see me writing a book about the observations I have made and my impressions on various anime. He says I will be famous in five years. I cannot see it, but it was sweet of him to say so. He is an 'older' anime fan, too.
no time for socializing or creativity
So, I have a lot churning going around in me right now - and that does not include the fiction and artwork that has been pestering me to work on it. 'Pirate' fic has been throwing all sorts of little scenario bits at me left and right and I write it down in my notebook. Right now I just don't want to work on that fic - if I am going to work on something it needs to be something almost completed. I need to update the creative logs soon.
There is probably more, but right now I am running late and need to get ready for work.
The alarm did not go off (I blame rat for fiddling with it) but I woke up anyway because my internal clock knows to do so.
Interesting dream to wake up to, though - I was myself, inside a guy's body. The woman I was having sex with figured out something was different with the guy because the body was not doing what it usually did when they got together. She kept asking me to bite her hard on the neck and face, to take the skin in the mouth, bite down hard and leave marks, and I had trouble with that. I was also making it a point to give her pleasure, which was a 180 degree turn in personality when it came to the dude I was occupying. I was seriously listening to her and trying different things to try and make her happy and see if I could give her multiples.
Funny moment - during the fumbling insertion, I kept expecting the sensation I would feel as a woman, expecting to feel the penis go into me, forgetting I was the one with the penis. I finally got a clue. At the time, she still did not realize I was not the guy and was confused by my clumsiness. Hell, I was confused as it was! How did I land here?
Another interesting observation - neither one of us were fine specimens of the human race. In fact, I would say scummy underworld is more like it.
Of course, I woke up feeling both a little frustrated but a little relaxed. My body takes care of me unconsciously when I am not able to get the level of sex it says it needs. You know how difficult it is to regulate painful breathing that affects the entire chest area during a good round of 'rumpy-pumpy'?
I will try to make some notes on the lecture I went to yesterday and share. And I think we all have a chance to contribute to a study of yaoi with Dr. Napier. She is VERY much interested and wants to keep in touch with me. I told her about the muse meet community, a little on Gravitation and she wants to know more about it all - maybe even for her new book.
I was not able to sleep at all last night. Nada sleep.
I functioned today because the steroids kept me awake even while the cough medicine has been trying to put me to sleep. The steroid keeps winning.
I am cross-eyed and I had to sit at the front of the Japanese class tonight because my vision is so blurred I cannot see very far away, even with glasses.
Good news, though - the cough is finally under control and I think I am finally on the road to recovery.
Depending on whether or not I go face-down soon, you may or may not see me around much this evening.
We went to bed at 9pm last night and passed out almost immediately. That's why I wasn't around.
Anime Update:
Finished Saiyuki Reload Gunlock and it has some blatant yaoi overtones in it, directed at Sanzo by the main villain. Made us laugh. In all honesty, this was not up to the high standard I expect from Saiyuki. I have no idea what parts of the anime will and will not be in the manga.
We are getting back to anime that has been living in the dvd player for a while. We zoomed ahead to the same place in YuYu Hakusho being shown on Cartoon Network and have continued watching. The subtitles are some of the worse I have EVER seen but we can still figure out the gist. And it has been fun to actually be able to read and understand the katakana for a gaming sequence we are watching. I read the katakana "kuizu" and know it talking about "quiz".
I haven't gotten any farther with Wolf's Rain. It's not pressing, though.
Classes Update:
I got another email back from the World Lit instructor. She has given me some good ideas of things to do but it still means a lot of work I do not know if I the energy to pursue. She is going to give a visual piece option, which is something I had in my research paper outline but never developed. The idea was to show the progression of Shuichi's outward appearance throughout the manga and how it changed when the anime came into being. I haven't done any of the scanning needed to do this - it's a hell of a lot of manga scans - I am going to have to look at this more closely. I may be able to find some clean scans from the scanlations (giving credit, of course) I can use for some of the images. I suppose I could actually pursue a literary masters degree with all the analytical directions I could take Gravi.
I REALLY need to get back into studying Japanese an hour every day. I have made two 99's on papers, which means I am slipping. I know, you think that is good but I have been making 100's on my papers this semester.
This section is a major foundation for the next semester and I really need to have the structures down. My brain is just not taking it in.
Health Update:
I am now a ravenous eating machine. I want to eat and eat a lot. For the most part, I ignore it, but when it is making me ill to the stomach I have do something about it, which is usually stuffing my face with a big mandarin chicken salad and some of rat's fries, like last night. Damned medicine.
I am calling the doc today to tell him I MUST have some kind of serious cough suppressant or I will continue to re-damage everything that is slowly healing.
Summer Visit:
I have an idea about the summer rendezvous in TX but I will go into it later.
Time for me to see what I missed around here last night.
1. Stop talking about politics for a moment or two.
2. Post a reasonably-sized picture in your LJ, NOT under a cut tag, of something pleasant, such as an adorable kitten, or a fluffy white cloud, or a bottle of booze. Something that has NOTHING TO DO WITH POLITICS.
3. Include these instructions, and share the love.
Here are some of mine:
Something easy on the eye - Hiro's lovely face:
Something cute - Ryuichi's chibi face:
Something that makes me laugh - Eiri's poorly designed and ill-fitting underwear:
She wrote: do what you must, but i insist that you have done enough to deserve an A in the class.
This does stun me to a degree, because I thought I had just done a moderate amount of work. Seriously, I think this class needs more from me to make that grade, and I just do not have the energy to work more.
The impression I have is she is willing to 'give' me the "A" to stay in class and complete it. I know she needs to have a list of completers on that final roll and she would like to have my name on that list.
I want to earn that "A" and not just on the merit of (in my opinion) a lack-luster thesis paper, a quickie "Akira" paper written in a half-hour in class, an extra credit scribble about going an anime con and two pre-research paper proposals. Admittedly, the proposals actually had a little meat to them, letting her know I actually knew what I was talking about and showing I had a grasp on how to look at anime from an analytical standpoint.
She then wrote: clearly you are an overachiever, and a perfect candidate for a masters degree!!
Yeah, I am an over-achiever. I hear it when I am taking multimedia classes, too.
Or maybe I am just one of those crazy people who thinks not doing the best job possible on a project is like not doing the project at all.
I would really like to get a masters degree but I have no idea what I would get it in anymore. I would go for visual arts because of my bachelors degree but I do not produce anything any faculty would find valid anymore, at least in my opinion. My work has really gone toward a blend of anime and realistic in style, and drawing either established characters or original characters of no particular consequence. I suppose I could do something dealing with the personal progression of a 'classically trained' artist to one who uses more of an anime style for some work. That, and working with classical tools compared to cg tools.
I would not even consider looking into a masters in English or Literature. My creative writing is done for me, to challenge myself to try different ideas, concepts, povs, etc.
At one time I wanted to get a masters in textile arts - like costuming - but that is pretty much belly-up and dead in the water for me now.
I do not know if I could find some degree that could blend all these creative elements together. And I do not want to take that blasted GRE. My math skills are nonexistent.
The teacher has invited me to a guest lecturer next week and I do want to go to it, health permitting, of course. I like listening to how other people have perceived the same things I have seen. I enjoy lectures about analyzing anime. One of my favorite activities at cons is going to interesting panel groups and learning more about anime and about various ways to 'look' at them.
She also wrote: it's up to you. you know better than i do what you are capable of doing, but i don't think you realize how much you've already done!
I have offered to pull together my research paper notes, including the translation charts, and handing that in to bulk up the grade.
Next she wrote: i will also be announcing that the presentation thingy is now optional, or people can do something visual in groups of 2, or by themselves.
I asked her what kind of 'visual' idea did she have in mind? I mentioned my website, full of artwork. The major pieces have comments about the processes. It isn't very literary, however. I have pics from cons there, too.
I also offered to send her a link to my few completed stories, if she wanted to read them. She has an idea of the Gravitation universe because of my paper so she would not be floating around, knowing absolutely nothing about character motivations or who they were in relation to each other.
The ball is back in her court.
I send a big SORRY to those folks I have beta work to do. This school stuff is something that needs to be quickly resolved before the final withdrawal date, which is this coming Thursday, 11/11. What little energy I have right now is having to be spent on working on my academia.
The last day of the semester is 12/9. Can you tell I am counting the hours?
I got an email back from the teacher within minutes, begging me not to withdraw. I have sent her an extensive email (took most of the day to put my scattered thoughts together) and have sent something back to her.
Perhaps we will be able to work something out so I can hand in stuff from home.
I was able to finally find a copy of Tokyo Babylon on eBay and immediately purchased it. It is one of the pieces a paper is due on.
Gah, I have lost my ability to make sentences...
I have been doing a LOT of talking and advising and demonstrating today so my chest is killing me.
Just a little more time and it will be Friday - whew!
I sent the withdrawal email to the instructor just a few minutes ago.
I need to send an explanation to the team members still.
I need to actually withdraw from the class before the 11th of this month.
I am going to have to look into getting a new coffee pot to make hot water. The Baby Krups (4-cup) I have had for centuries has decided to give me little black specks in my brewed water and I cannot figure out where it is coming from. Don't want foreign black shit in my tea or ramen.
I am still coughing, happy-joy. I still feel pain but it is not as all-encompassing.
I am exhausted but I am not being able to sleep much, one of the side effects of the drug.
I am glad the weekend is here.
I watched the first episode and a half of "Wolf's Rain" last night, before rat came home. I cannot help it - the dubbed voices I heard on Cartoon Network were okay, but the Japanese are better. Tsume's voice is better suited in Japanese and I LIKE Tsume's English dubbed voice. I wish he had done the dub for Yuki Eiri, that's how much I think of his job in the dubbed WR!
We watched a bunch of Saiyuki Reload Gunlock last night. It was nice to be drowsy, huddled under a quilt and watching one of my favorite foursomes being silly. I am very curious about what eps are based on manga, though.
Got my Wolf's Rain and Saiyuki Reload Gunlock Part 2 dvds last night, yippee! We opened the Saiyuki package and started watching it immediately. It tickles me so, which helps when I am still feeling like crap.
I still haven't withdrawn from the World Lit class. I am not going to class tonight, which will probably shock everyone. I have a working draft of the withdrawal email going, to be sent soon. I will also have to email the team to let them know what's going on. And I need to officially withdraw from the class. I need to remember to see if I can do it online, or if I will have to go get a drop form and deal with the drop process in the Advising Center.
I am now officially into the eighth week of being sick. I am on a steroid called Prednesone. The pain has lessened but it is still a problem. Supposedly this stuff is supposed to give me energy but I am still completely drained. It is probably because I do not have a thyroid so the medication cannot 'activate' it. I also look like death warmed over. My skin is so white it actually is bleaching out the blush on my cheeks. I look like one scary Goth.
Some of the exciting side effects I am experiencing are - blurring vision, sore joints, headaches and muscle weakness. My immune system is also compromised when taking this, so I have to be very careful about being around sick people, not easy in an academic environment. When I finally get well, I will have to be weaned off this stuff. I cannot just stop taking it.
Last night during Japanese class, NOTHING was sinking into my head. I am not doing well in the class while ill. Everything just bounced off my head. Luckily, I take decent notes. I still may have to withdraw from the Japanese class (if I can do that with a continuing ed class) if I cannot keep up with the material.
senoritafish, I HAVEN'T forgotten you! I have even started the beta!
I did not make it to class tonight because by the time I got home from the doctor and drug store it was too late to go.
The doctor has put me on new medication, some kind of steroid. I take it for a week, then let him know how I feel. If I am better, they will tell me what to do to wean me off the drug.
I will have to feel it out to see what it does to me.
Thanks: --> to Lia, my sensei, who has inspired me to draw again. I
wouldn't be doing this without your support, Domo Arigato!
--> to Talon, for sending me her fabulous fics, inspiring me with her writing to draw my first
illustration for a story and actually liking what I drew.
--> to Dasia, for her words of encouragement when drawing her original chara.
--> to Joules, a wonderful epic fic writer, for liking my art enough to want to post them with Talon's
and her own stories.
--> to Lutra, the other half of the epic team, for being so supportive.
--> to Jacque' & Becca Raddittzu, we met on eBay as bidder and sellers and now we are face-to-face
friends. You showed us the real DBZ with your fansubs. It's all your fault the house is full of
doujinshi! *LOL*
:: welcome to bakayaro onna's mindless ramblings, rants & raves :: 
